emotionally connected

Being emotionally connected in a marriage can be somewhat challenging.  It was easy at first but then children come along and let's face it...children are a distraction.  I remember when my son was born my husband had a difficult time because now my time and attention towards him was shared with another little person.  I know he adored my son but it was a difficult transition for him.  It was also difficult for me.  I had this little boy who was completely dependent on me and I wanted to hold him every second.  It took some time to figure it out and adjust.  It is important to connect every single day.  Some of the things we try to do to stay emotionally connected are...

1.  We try to go on date nights.  Sometimes those date nights are late night walks around the neighborhood after the kids are in bed.  Sometimes it is a run to Home Depot.  Sometimes it is sitting outside in our backyard just the two of us.
2.  We talk about everything.  Sometimes we don't want to listen.  I am sure my husband thinks I never stop talking but he knows that after a day of only talking to my kids I just need to speak to and adult so he listens.  He tells me about his work projects which I don't really understand but I listen.
3.   My favorite way to connect is by going to the temple.  There is power in attending the temple.  We live about 30 minutes away from our temple.  It can be a challenge to get babysitters and go but now we have a built in baby sitter and we are able to go more regularly.  I love to watch my husband while I am in the temple and think back on our sealing ceremony.
4.  Another thing we do to stay emotionally connected is we talk about spiritual matters.  We talk openly about what we are reading in the scriptures.  I am the Gospel Doctrine teacher and I talk about my lessons with my husband.
5.  The last one that I must share is feet.  I know this may seem silly but my husband and I always sit with our feet touching.  He uses his feet to rub my feet.  I may be sitting on the couch doing homework and he is doing his work on the computer but our feet are snuggled.  As silly as this may seem this is a comforting and connecting gesture for me.

Some days we are just a little out of sync.  One or both of us may be extra tired or over stressed.  On these days I like to think of the saying we have hanging over our bed on the wall.  It says, "Always kiss me good-night"  On those rough days I just need a kiss and a good nights sleep and then we can try again tomorrow.

Cherishing your spouse

How much do I love this guy???

About this much...

This week I have reflected a great deal on my marriage.  I married Dave almost sixteen years ago. We met in a singles ward here in Las Vegas.  We were both dating other people at the time.  Both of our significant others lived in Salt Lake City.  I didn’t care for Dave too much when I first met him.  We would play basketball on Monday nights after our Family Home Evenings.  I felt that he was too intense and bossy.  He was studying for the bar and his relationship in Salt Lake was falling apart so he took his frustrations out on the basketball court and that was my first impression of him.  He knew that he wanted to date me right from the start even when he was dating the other girl.  In time as we got to know each other more as friends I began to recognize his good qualities.  I still didn’t want to date him and tried to pair him off with my friends but he wasn’t interested in them.  He asked me out on a few dates and I was trying really hard not to like him.  I still remember the day when all my walls came tumbling down.  To make a long story short we were at the Bellagio and he picked a flower from one of their exotic flower arrangements.  He handed it to me and said, “Here, I picked you a flower.”  I completely melted.  He saw it in my countenance and knew he had me.

We were married a few months later in the Salt Lake Temple.  We were very fortunate to have Elder Holland as our sealer.  Elder Holland spoke to my husband about the importance of him understanding what it means to sacrifice and he spoke to me about unconditional love.  It was an amazing day.  I think for most people their wedding day is all foggy but for me it is clear and beautiful.  I remember and try to apply messages from our sealing ceremony all the time.  When I go to the temple I am always reminded of something I learned that day. 

Our marriage has not been trouble free but it has been so much easier than I expected.  We are very best friends and we grow more fond of each other every day.  We have had challenges with children.  It started about a year into our marriage when after two miscarriages we realized that having children would not be easy.  We spent the next three years in fertility treatments.  During this time we fasted and prayed together and attended the temple every single week.  We were strengthened greatly by this.  Finally we were blessed with a beautiful baby boy.  I remember the first time I saw my baby handed to my husband.  I never knew I could love anyone so much.  When we experienced more fertility issues I believe our experiences with our first trial of infertility continued to strengthen us and after in-vitro fertilization we were blessed with twin girls.  During this time we learned that our son had autism.  This can be a dividing factor in many marriages but my husband is supportive and incredibly patient with my son and often we talk about how without him our lives would be nearly perfect but totally empty.  Our son forces us to rely on the Savior and to be in sync with one another.  Our son makes our entire family more centered on Jesus Christ. 

               What makes our marriage strong?  I believe it is because our number one goal is to be more like our Savior Jesus Christ.  As we work towards this goal and focus on Him we are naturally drawn closer to each other.   We are very best friends and we always try to put each other’s needs before our own.  We also don't keep score.  We trust that the other person is doing all that they can to serve our family.  In H. Wallace Goddard's book titled, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage he states, "So it turns out that our sacrifices are not sacrifices, but purchases.  We “sacrifice” our puny preferences and God rewards us with eternal joy. What a bargain!  In Heaven’s economy, so much is gotten for so little.”  If we view the "sacrifices" in marriage as opportunities for to serve then they won't seem like sacrifices at all.  It takes two people to make a great marriage and I am super thankful that I get to make my marriage work with Dave.  He is the best person for me.

Behaviors in marriage

I was deeply touched by this video that I watched this week. In this first clip you will hear Elder Wirthlin tell a story about an elderly man painting his wife's nails.  I found this to be so tender and even though I know my husband would never paint my nails now I hope that one day when I am old and feeble he will polish my nails.

I just love Elder Wirthlin.  What a sweet and tender testimony of love he shared in this talk.  My favorite line was when he said, "Do you love the Lord? then spend some time with Him."  The imagery of this has left an impression on me.  I do love the Lord but I don't spend enough time with him.  I feel like the same can be true for my husband and children.  I love them and I spend most of my time with them but I fear that too often it is in body only and I am not fully engaged.  I need to spend more quality time with them.

I could not get over the tenderness Elder Nelson showed in supporting Elder Wirthlin through the end of his talk.  How appropriate that while he was speaking about love an Apostle of the Lord showed us what that truly means.  Our general authorities are great examples of what it means to serve and love unconditionally.

I am once again reminded of how blessed I am in my own marriage.  I don't know why some people end up in bad marriages.  I have had friends who marry someone only to find out that they are not at all the person they thought they were.  My situation could not be further from that.  I knew I was marrying well but as time goes on and as we approach our sixteenth wedding anniversary I am more and more grateful for my husband.  He is all that is good.  The way he balances work family and church is amazing to me.  While I was reading about the things that cause problems in marriages I was able to also see how my husband combats them.  In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman tells us that he believes that the secret to a successful marriage is that a husband and wife are genuinely great friends.  This to me was very exciting because my husband is my favorite person on the planet.  My husband works across town and has a healthy commute.  He is also our Bishop so between the two we don't see much of each other during the week.  I love Friday nights when I know that we get to hang out together for the weekend.  I am confident that my marriage will succeed because my husband is my very best friend.  He is the master at diffusing the four horsemen that I seem to want to invite into our relationship.  I love him for this and this week I have felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude to my Heavenly Father for allowing me to spend Eternity with him.

Covenant Marriage

               

This week I read an article by Bruce C. Hafen that can be found here. https://app.box.com/embed/preview/09y4qxqfppbe8oz5uuje39utsdv566rt?theme=dark  This talk was very timely for me and I loved so much of what Brother Hafen had to say.  Elder Hafen talks about how to have a covenant marriage.  It seems like so many young couples today fall in love with the idea of a wedding but not so much the idea of a marriage. 

Elder Hafen tells us, “Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will.”  My husband and I were fortunate enough to be married by Elder Holland.  He sat us down in the hallway outside the sealing room and looked us straight into our eyes and asked if we were sure we knew what we were doing.  He explained that this was not something we could change our mind about when the going gets tough.  I got a little nervous but took one look at my husband and I knew I was in the right place at the right time with the right guy.  When I told Elder Holland that I was sure he smiled at us and said, “Great…lets go get married.”  I think there are so many people who get sealed in the temple and then when they realize that it’s not a fairy tale they want to bail out.  Elder Holland made sure we understood that was not an option.  Marriage requires a lot of faith but it brings the greatest rewards. 

Elder Hafen talks about three wolves that will attack our marriages.  Natural adversity, their own imperfections and excessive individualism.  I feel like my marriage is mostly attacked by natural adversity.  My relationship with my husband has been very easy.  Our challenges have come from infertility and challenges with our autistic son.  I feel very blessed to say that I have a covenant marriage.  I am not sure that our marriage could handle the challenges of raising an autistic son if we did not have a marriage centered on our Savior Jesus Christ.  We try very hard to have a Christ Centered home.  As we strengthen our own testimonies and focus on our own spiritual growth we our marriage grows stronger and we are able to provide a safe and stable environment for our children.  

How do you develop and maintain a covenant marriage?  I think you can prepare all of your life for a covenant marriage.  We go to the temple together often.  We go on dates.  My husband tells me often how much he loves me and how blessed he believes our children are to have me for a mom.  This kind of reassurance does wonders for a relationship.  We fulfill our callings.  We have family scripture study and prayer nearly every day.  When Elder Holland married us he asked me what unconditional love was.  He told me that was my role as a wife and mother was to have unconditional love.  He then asked my husband what sacrifice meant.  He told him that his role was to sacrifice.  We have a sign on our bedroom wall that says, “Always kiss me good night” I think it is so important to show affection.  It doesn’t matter what else is going on I greet my husband with a hug and a kiss when he walks through the door. 

A covenant marriage is something so worth fighting for.  Like a testimony it requires constant attention.  If you neglect it before you realize what has happened it will be gone.  Through love and sacrifice and focusing on our Savior we can have a covenant marriage.