Fidelity and physical intimacy

When I was engaged to my husband I became very nervous about my wedding night.  I had heard stories about couples who had suffered from horrible feelings of guilt.  It seemed confusing to some that what was wrong one day could be totally sacred the next.  I didn’t want this kind of an experience so I began to pray and ask for peace about my upcoming wedding night.  I was already endowed and was able to attend the temple often.  I received a great deal of understanding about intimacy as I attended the temple.  I began to see intimacy as a way of communication.  I also felt very strong that sexual intimacy was a way that we could be Godlike.  It is through sex that life is created.  This is why sexual intimacy is so sacred and should not be exercised before a couple is legally married.

I think the reason sexual intimacy becomes a problem in marriage is because Satan knows how sacred the act is.  He uses it against us by enticing us to engage in sexual acts prior to marriage but as soon as a couple becomes legally married he uses in a different way.  He wants us to turn away from our spouse intimately and instead turn to another.

I have heard of people using sex as a tool.  This is unfair.  I think that this behavior is selfish and shameful.  However, I also don’t believe that a woman (or a man) should have sex when they are not feeling loved or accepted by their spouse.  Once a woman came to speak to our relief society.  She told us that we should just give in to our husbands.  She said that sex is important to men so we should just give it to them to keep them happy.  I have heard Dr. Laura say the same thing.  While I truly respect both of these women and love listening to them speak I do not agree with their opinions about this type of attitude.  I don’t think a woman or a man should ever have sex with their spouse just to keep them happy.  I don’t really think this is being honest.

Brent Barlow described sexual intimacy by saying, “When we see sexuality as a vital part of marital harmony and happiness, it becomes more than something we simply give or receive. I like to think of it as something a husband and wife can share.”  I like this description.  Intimacy is definitely something that we share not something that we give up.  If a couple respects each other then they will approach intimacy with respect towards one another.  It will be an enjoyable and bonding experience. 

There are many different types of intimacy and many ways we can show love and affection.  It is the little things that make for a better intimate connection.  When my husband helps me with housework and is aware of the needs of the kids I feel connected to him.  I know he is tired at the end of the day but when he helps clean up and do dishes it shows that he is mindful of my long and exhausting days as well.  On the wall above our bed we have the words ‘always kiss me good-night’.  Sometimes we are tired and sometimes we are frustrated sometimes we are angry or sad but no matter what happens during the day I think it is important to always kiss good-night. A simple kiss or even a warm hug can send a message of security and reassurance that all is well.  My husband always kisses me before he leaves for work.  My kids act like this is the grosses thing every.  I know they love it.  It tells them that Mom and Dad love each other and everything in our home is good.  I think it is important for my kids to see my husband and I show affection to each other.  We hold hands and they all know that my place on the couch is next to dad. 

seek to understand

 I think one of the most important things in a marriage is seeking to understand your spouse.  My husband is not a slob but he is also not very tidy.  Early in our marriage this bothered me.  I wanted him to be more organized and to help more with housework.  I learned to deal with it and I tried really hard not to let it bother me.  One weekend his mom came for a visit.  She pulled a kitchen chair into our family room so she could get a better look at our twin babies.  I decided to experiment and see how long that kitchen chair would sit in my family room.  It sat there for four days.  FOUR DAYS and I am the one that finally moved it.  I couldn't handle it anymore.  I learned something from this.  My husband wasn't raised in a super tidy home.  It was clean and there was a lot of love but there were also 7 kids.  There was always something going on and the house was a war zone.  I have learned to appreciate the untidiness of my husband.  Yes I still wish he cleaned up more but I am so grateful that he doesn't care what state the house is when he gets home.  He doesn't care if things are perfect and if I tell him he gets cold cereal for dinner he doesn't care.  I have friends who are not so fortunate.  I will take my untidy, fun-loving man any day over a control freak  one.

I think seeking to understand our spouse is a fun adventure.  I learn a lot about my husband when I try to understand how he feels or what he is going through.  Last night my husband came home in a rotten mood.  At first this bothered me and I felt like he should just snap out of it.  Then after I asked him a few times to tell me what was wrong he confided that a woman had called him on his way from work.  She is someone from church.  He told me that he has never had anyone say such hateful mean and vulgar things to him.  I don't know who it was but he told me he has done everything he can for her but she hates him.  My frustration with him quickly turned to sorrow.  I wanted then to comfort him and I just hugged him and expressed my confidence in him as a Father a man and a Bishop.  

I like the quote from Goddard that says, "Very often our self-sufficiency gets in God’s way.  In the spirit of humility, we listen to our partner and we listen to God.  We replace despair with an enlarged openness to Christ-like goodness.”  I believe that as we listen to God with full humility we can better understand our spouse and be able to strengthen our relationships.  

I have learned over the years that my husband is not perfect.  Neither am I but my husband is perfect for me.  I love this picture. 

It pretty much sums up our marriage.  Life is an adventure.  There are treacherous waters all around us just like this waterfall.  Somehow my husband manages to keep me laughing through all of it.  I don't remember what he said or did to make me laugh like this because he makes me laugh like this all the time.  He is my happy place and I love him.  

Consecrating Oursleves

This clip from Elder Faust talks about forgiveness.  He shares a few very tender stories about the power of healing and forgiveness.  There will be many times in our lives when we will have the choice to forgive or to hate.  The healing process cannot take place until we can forgive.  The same is true in our marriages and in our relationships with those we love the most.  There will be times when we face trials and challenges in our own homes.  We must be able to forgive in order to find peace.  Elder Faust says, "Hatred retards spiritual growth".

Marriage gives us many opportunities to live the law of consecration.  We must be willing to sacrifice all that we have to strengthen our marriage and our families.  For me this is mostly my time.  I have never been so tired or felt so pulled in so many different directions as I have as a mom and a wife but I have also never been so happy.  As I do my very best to serve and meet the needs of my little family I feel true happiness.  In the book Drawing Heaven into your Marriage Brother Goddard tells us, "living the law of consecration moves us from gospel hobbyists to career disciples".  When we have the opportunity to serve and live the law of consecration we become true disciples of Jesus Christ.

Sometimes as a wife and a mom I feel like my life is wash, fold, scrub, repeat...EVERY SINGLE DAY.  There are days where I wonder if it will ever end.  I might decide to take a "day off" and not do any of those things.  The truth is when I stop to think about it.  I love those things.  I remember one day feeling really overwhelmed because the laundry was piling up.  I had an "aha" moment when  I decided to be grateful that all that laundry meant that I had three beautiful messy children.  The extra pounds I am carrying around mean that I have plenty of food to eat.  The bills I have to pay means that I have a home to live in.  The grass that needed mowing meant that there was a yard to be played in.  The list could go on and on.  When I remember that the work I do in our home is a result of my greatest blessings then those day to day jobs don't seem like work at all.

In Elder Robbin's talk, Agency and Anger he refers to the primary song, I Have a Family Here on Earth.  This song touches me every time I hear it.  I had a hard time having children.  I like to remember the day I went to my husband's work to tell him I was pregnant.  We hugged and cried.  I never thought I could be happier.  Then I remember seeing my husband hold our son for the first time and I never thought I could love him more or be happier.  I have learned that it just keeps getting better.  With each day, the good and the bad, together we are making an eternal family and I know that I will love my husband more and more than I can now imagine.  Its a beautiful thing.

Beware of Pride

It's so true.   Pride Causes Arguments.  Plain and simple.  If we become prideful then we are not showing love and concern for others and we end up in contention with others.  

President Benson's talk on pride is one that should be used more like a textbook.  You can read or listen to it read by President Hinckley here:

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng#watch=video

In this talk there were a few things that stood out to me.  The first was when President Benson says, "The central feature of pride is enmity - enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen."  This actually hurt me a little bit.  I would never want to do anything to show hatred toward God but when I am prideful I am showing hatred toward God.  That was very eye opening to me and helped me realized how important it is to overcome feelings of pride.  He also tells us that Pride is damning.  Every time I hear the word damning I stop to pay attention.  Damning means we cannot progress so if I want to progress in life I cannot participate in anything that is damning.  President Benson tells us, "Pride is the universal sin, the great vice."  To me this means that it is something that affect everyone and must be worked on at all times.  We need to be constantly repenting and asking for strength from God as we work to overcome feelings of pride.  He also says that, "Pride is the great stumbling block to Zion."  I loved in the end of the talk that President Benson used the word "choose" so often.  He gives us many examples of how we have the ability to choose our actions and our thoughts.  We can choose to eliminate pride from our lives.  

I think pride is a sign of selfishness.  I know when I become prideful it usually because I don't want to be wrong.  Everyone wants to be right.  

Being humble and truly loving our fellowmen are ways we can overcome pride.  We need to put other people's needs before our own.  I have seen so many times in my life when I put the needs of others first my own needs seem to vanish.  One of the hardest things for me is to say I am sorry but when I do my heart feels better.  

I am learning that my frustration towards others usually has something to do with my own insecurities.  Most of the time when I struggle with another person it is because I am not feeling good about myself or I am feeling competitive.  Satan uses these feelings to get me to be prideful so that I will develop hate and enmity for others.  This is so dangerous.  I think especially in a marriage.  I am grateful that I am married to someone who calls me on my selfish behaviors in an honest and loving way.  My husband helps me deal with frustrations in my family.  He also helps me to be honest with myself when I have struggles with other people.  I am grateful that he helps me to see things more clearly.  

In our marriage we have been able to keep pride out because we communicate.  We have respect for each other.  We have learned to trust each other and to know that we are each doing our best.  We allow for bad days every once in awhile and don't get offended or hold grudges.  I really think that it could be easy for me to be bitter and hold grudges but my husband pulls things out of me and we talk through them before they become issues.  I am so grateful for his patience and his unconditional love for me.