transitions in marriage - in-laws

I adore these people.  This is my family.  They are my in-laws but I don't really think of them that way.  They have never been anything but my family.  I have always known that I was blessed to marry into this family.  I love them.  My husband was 29 when we got married.  His family thought he would never get married.  I think they were just so grateful that someone would marry him.  They have accepted me 100 percent from the day they met me.  I have never felt like an outsider.  There are three other sisters in law and two brothers in law in this family.  We all feel the same way.  Sometimes when our spouses get crazy we migrate to our own corner of the room and stay out of the way.  I love my nieces and nephews they are some of my favorite people.  I am proud of them.  I adore them.  This is an amazing and powerful group of people.  This is a group of people who love and serve God and I am proud to be a part of them. They are my people.   I often think about how much I hope that my children will be as blessed as I was.  I am determined to be the same type of mother in law as the on I was blessed with.  I think the reason I have fit so well into the family is because she loves her son and she is proud of him.  She has let him develop his own life and she supports him in the decisions he makes.  I think this is easier said than done but she is very good at it.  I hope I can be a good mother in law like her.

Transitions in marriage - children

My husband and I will be married for 16 years tomorrow.  Sometimes it seems like we have been married forever.  It is hard to remember life without him.  Other times it feels like we got married yesterday.  We were a little bit older than the average Mormon couple.  My husband had finished law school and had a good job.  I was a hairdresser making a pretty good living.  We had both dated a lot and we knew what we wanted.  We had both been around long enough to understand that our marriage wasn't going to be perfect.  We knew that we would face challenges but we had no idea what they would be. Our challenges have never come directly from our marriage.  Our challenges have come from having and raising children.  

After about three years of trying to have a baby and lots of fertility drugs we were blessed with this little man. 

We were both excited to be parents.  I couldn't wait to stay home and be a mom.  This transition was harder for me than I thought it would be.  I went from a very social job where I was surrounded by fun and engaging people to spending 10 - 12 hours a day with a baby.  I missed conversation.  When my husband got home I would talk a mile a minute and he just wanted to collapse.  My husband was very patient.  During this time we learned that I needed to get out.  My husband would take me to movies or dinner.  Our baby was so good.  He never cried so we took him along.  My husband had to adjust as well because he was used to my undivided attention and now he had to share that attention with a baby.  We worked through this transition by serving each other and as soon as our baby was old enough to leave with babysitters we started regular date nights again.  When our baby was a year old we decided to try for another one.  This proved to be more challenging than the first time.  After several years we decided to try in-vitro fertilization.  This is what in-vitro looks like...

This is only one of the shipments of drugs I had to take both orally and through self administered shots.  This was a rough time.  I was emotionally unstable.  I cried all the time.  I felt like I was going through this on my own.  Everyday there was another Doctor or drug or test I had to have done.  It was exhausting. I think the reason my husband and I were able to handle this time so well is because of our faith in God.  My husband felt so bad for me.  He truly didn't know how to help me.  This experience with the medication and infertility took a tole on me and we decided that if this attempt at in-vitro didn't work we would be finished trying.  Together we made the decision to quit trying.  This was so comforting to me.  I also remember one appointment when my husband actually cried.  This made me feel like he was going through the trial with me.  Thankfully we were blessed with these little beauties...

 Lauryn and Clara were an answer to our prayers.  Mostly they were an answer to Cameron's prayers.  He prayed for siblings for about three years.  He came to all of my appointments and he is the one who picked their names.  The birth of twins threw us into another transition.  This one was more difficult. They were preemies and stayed in the NICU.  I had complications and was on bed rest after we brought them home.  My husband was in a huge trial and was gone all the time.   Our moms stayed with us for 6 weeks.  We were bickering a lot and having a hard time re-defining our roles.  Finally we realized that we needed to connect and we couldn't really do this with our moms there so we asked everyone to leave.  Within about a week we had it figured out.  We were back into a good routine and back in sync.  One rule that we made was that we couldn't take offense to anything said or done after 9pm.   We were so exhausted that we had to let things roll off our backs.  This became a funny joke between us.  We got into a good rhythm and divided up responsibilities.  Some of my fondest memories are sitting at night watching our shows, burping our babies.

Fidelity and physical intimacy

When I was engaged to my husband I became very nervous about my wedding night.  I had heard stories about couples who had suffered from horrible feelings of guilt.  It seemed confusing to some that what was wrong one day could be totally sacred the next.  I didn’t want this kind of an experience so I began to pray and ask for peace about my upcoming wedding night.  I was already endowed and was able to attend the temple often.  I received a great deal of understanding about intimacy as I attended the temple.  I began to see intimacy as a way of communication.  I also felt very strong that sexual intimacy was a way that we could be Godlike.  It is through sex that life is created.  This is why sexual intimacy is so sacred and should not be exercised before a couple is legally married.

I think the reason sexual intimacy becomes a problem in marriage is because Satan knows how sacred the act is.  He uses it against us by enticing us to engage in sexual acts prior to marriage but as soon as a couple becomes legally married he uses in a different way.  He wants us to turn away from our spouse intimately and instead turn to another.

I have heard of people using sex as a tool.  This is unfair.  I think that this behavior is selfish and shameful.  However, I also don’t believe that a woman (or a man) should have sex when they are not feeling loved or accepted by their spouse.  Once a woman came to speak to our relief society.  She told us that we should just give in to our husbands.  She said that sex is important to men so we should just give it to them to keep them happy.  I have heard Dr. Laura say the same thing.  While I truly respect both of these women and love listening to them speak I do not agree with their opinions about this type of attitude.  I don’t think a woman or a man should ever have sex with their spouse just to keep them happy.  I don’t really think this is being honest.

Brent Barlow described sexual intimacy by saying, “When we see sexuality as a vital part of marital harmony and happiness, it becomes more than something we simply give or receive. I like to think of it as something a husband and wife can share.”  I like this description.  Intimacy is definitely something that we share not something that we give up.  If a couple respects each other then they will approach intimacy with respect towards one another.  It will be an enjoyable and bonding experience. 

There are many different types of intimacy and many ways we can show love and affection.  It is the little things that make for a better intimate connection.  When my husband helps me with housework and is aware of the needs of the kids I feel connected to him.  I know he is tired at the end of the day but when he helps clean up and do dishes it shows that he is mindful of my long and exhausting days as well.  On the wall above our bed we have the words ‘always kiss me good-night’.  Sometimes we are tired and sometimes we are frustrated sometimes we are angry or sad but no matter what happens during the day I think it is important to always kiss good-night. A simple kiss or even a warm hug can send a message of security and reassurance that all is well.  My husband always kisses me before he leaves for work.  My kids act like this is the grosses thing every.  I know they love it.  It tells them that Mom and Dad love each other and everything in our home is good.  I think it is important for my kids to see my husband and I show affection to each other.  We hold hands and they all know that my place on the couch is next to dad. 

seek to understand

 I think one of the most important things in a marriage is seeking to understand your spouse.  My husband is not a slob but he is also not very tidy.  Early in our marriage this bothered me.  I wanted him to be more organized and to help more with housework.  I learned to deal with it and I tried really hard not to let it bother me.  One weekend his mom came for a visit.  She pulled a kitchen chair into our family room so she could get a better look at our twin babies.  I decided to experiment and see how long that kitchen chair would sit in my family room.  It sat there for four days.  FOUR DAYS and I am the one that finally moved it.  I couldn't handle it anymore.  I learned something from this.  My husband wasn't raised in a super tidy home.  It was clean and there was a lot of love but there were also 7 kids.  There was always something going on and the house was a war zone.  I have learned to appreciate the untidiness of my husband.  Yes I still wish he cleaned up more but I am so grateful that he doesn't care what state the house is when he gets home.  He doesn't care if things are perfect and if I tell him he gets cold cereal for dinner he doesn't care.  I have friends who are not so fortunate.  I will take my untidy, fun-loving man any day over a control freak  one.

I think seeking to understand our spouse is a fun adventure.  I learn a lot about my husband when I try to understand how he feels or what he is going through.  Last night my husband came home in a rotten mood.  At first this bothered me and I felt like he should just snap out of it.  Then after I asked him a few times to tell me what was wrong he confided that a woman had called him on his way from work.  She is someone from church.  He told me that he has never had anyone say such hateful mean and vulgar things to him.  I don't know who it was but he told me he has done everything he can for her but she hates him.  My frustration with him quickly turned to sorrow.  I wanted then to comfort him and I just hugged him and expressed my confidence in him as a Father a man and a Bishop.  

I like the quote from Goddard that says, "Very often our self-sufficiency gets in God’s way.  In the spirit of humility, we listen to our partner and we listen to God.  We replace despair with an enlarged openness to Christ-like goodness.”  I believe that as we listen to God with full humility we can better understand our spouse and be able to strengthen our relationships.  

I have learned over the years that my husband is not perfect.  Neither am I but my husband is perfect for me.  I love this picture. 

It pretty much sums up our marriage.  Life is an adventure.  There are treacherous waters all around us just like this waterfall.  Somehow my husband manages to keep me laughing through all of it.  I don't remember what he said or did to make me laugh like this because he makes me laugh like this all the time.  He is my happy place and I love him.  

Consecrating Oursleves

This clip from Elder Faust talks about forgiveness.  He shares a few very tender stories about the power of healing and forgiveness.  There will be many times in our lives when we will have the choice to forgive or to hate.  The healing process cannot take place until we can forgive.  The same is true in our marriages and in our relationships with those we love the most.  There will be times when we face trials and challenges in our own homes.  We must be able to forgive in order to find peace.  Elder Faust says, "Hatred retards spiritual growth".

Marriage gives us many opportunities to live the law of consecration.  We must be willing to sacrifice all that we have to strengthen our marriage and our families.  For me this is mostly my time.  I have never been so tired or felt so pulled in so many different directions as I have as a mom and a wife but I have also never been so happy.  As I do my very best to serve and meet the needs of my little family I feel true happiness.  In the book Drawing Heaven into your Marriage Brother Goddard tells us, "living the law of consecration moves us from gospel hobbyists to career disciples".  When we have the opportunity to serve and live the law of consecration we become true disciples of Jesus Christ.

Sometimes as a wife and a mom I feel like my life is wash, fold, scrub, repeat...EVERY SINGLE DAY.  There are days where I wonder if it will ever end.  I might decide to take a "day off" and not do any of those things.  The truth is when I stop to think about it.  I love those things.  I remember one day feeling really overwhelmed because the laundry was piling up.  I had an "aha" moment when  I decided to be grateful that all that laundry meant that I had three beautiful messy children.  The extra pounds I am carrying around mean that I have plenty of food to eat.  The bills I have to pay means that I have a home to live in.  The grass that needed mowing meant that there was a yard to be played in.  The list could go on and on.  When I remember that the work I do in our home is a result of my greatest blessings then those day to day jobs don't seem like work at all.

In Elder Robbin's talk, Agency and Anger he refers to the primary song, I Have a Family Here on Earth.  This song touches me every time I hear it.  I had a hard time having children.  I like to remember the day I went to my husband's work to tell him I was pregnant.  We hugged and cried.  I never thought I could be happier.  Then I remember seeing my husband hold our son for the first time and I never thought I could love him more or be happier.  I have learned that it just keeps getting better.  With each day, the good and the bad, together we are making an eternal family and I know that I will love my husband more and more than I can now imagine.  Its a beautiful thing.

Beware of Pride

It's so true.   Pride Causes Arguments.  Plain and simple.  If we become prideful then we are not showing love and concern for others and we end up in contention with others.  

President Benson's talk on pride is one that should be used more like a textbook.  You can read or listen to it read by President Hinckley here:

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng#watch=video

In this talk there were a few things that stood out to me.  The first was when President Benson says, "The central feature of pride is enmity - enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen."  This actually hurt me a little bit.  I would never want to do anything to show hatred toward God but when I am prideful I am showing hatred toward God.  That was very eye opening to me and helped me realized how important it is to overcome feelings of pride.  He also tells us that Pride is damning.  Every time I hear the word damning I stop to pay attention.  Damning means we cannot progress so if I want to progress in life I cannot participate in anything that is damning.  President Benson tells us, "Pride is the universal sin, the great vice."  To me this means that it is something that affect everyone and must be worked on at all times.  We need to be constantly repenting and asking for strength from God as we work to overcome feelings of pride.  He also says that, "Pride is the great stumbling block to Zion."  I loved in the end of the talk that President Benson used the word "choose" so often.  He gives us many examples of how we have the ability to choose our actions and our thoughts.  We can choose to eliminate pride from our lives.  

I think pride is a sign of selfishness.  I know when I become prideful it usually because I don't want to be wrong.  Everyone wants to be right.  

Being humble and truly loving our fellowmen are ways we can overcome pride.  We need to put other people's needs before our own.  I have seen so many times in my life when I put the needs of others first my own needs seem to vanish.  One of the hardest things for me is to say I am sorry but when I do my heart feels better.  

I am learning that my frustration towards others usually has something to do with my own insecurities.  Most of the time when I struggle with another person it is because I am not feeling good about myself or I am feeling competitive.  Satan uses these feelings to get me to be prideful so that I will develop hate and enmity for others.  This is so dangerous.  I think especially in a marriage.  I am grateful that I am married to someone who calls me on my selfish behaviors in an honest and loving way.  My husband helps me deal with frustrations in my family.  He also helps me to be honest with myself when I have struggles with other people.  I am grateful that he helps me to see things more clearly.  

In our marriage we have been able to keep pride out because we communicate.  We have respect for each other.  We have learned to trust each other and to know that we are each doing our best.  We allow for bad days every once in awhile and don't get offended or hold grudges.  I really think that it could be easy for me to be bitter and hold grudges but my husband pulls things out of me and we talk through them before they become issues.  I am so grateful for his patience and his unconditional love for me.  

emotionally connected

Being emotionally connected in a marriage can be somewhat challenging.  It was easy at first but then children come along and let's face it...children are a distraction.  I remember when my son was born my husband had a difficult time because now my time and attention towards him was shared with another little person.  I know he adored my son but it was a difficult transition for him.  It was also difficult for me.  I had this little boy who was completely dependent on me and I wanted to hold him every second.  It took some time to figure it out and adjust.  It is important to connect every single day.  Some of the things we try to do to stay emotionally connected are...

1.  We try to go on date nights.  Sometimes those date nights are late night walks around the neighborhood after the kids are in bed.  Sometimes it is a run to Home Depot.  Sometimes it is sitting outside in our backyard just the two of us.
2.  We talk about everything.  Sometimes we don't want to listen.  I am sure my husband thinks I never stop talking but he knows that after a day of only talking to my kids I just need to speak to and adult so he listens.  He tells me about his work projects which I don't really understand but I listen.
3.   My favorite way to connect is by going to the temple.  There is power in attending the temple.  We live about 30 minutes away from our temple.  It can be a challenge to get babysitters and go but now we have a built in baby sitter and we are able to go more regularly.  I love to watch my husband while I am in the temple and think back on our sealing ceremony.
4.  Another thing we do to stay emotionally connected is we talk about spiritual matters.  We talk openly about what we are reading in the scriptures.  I am the Gospel Doctrine teacher and I talk about my lessons with my husband.
5.  The last one that I must share is feet.  I know this may seem silly but my husband and I always sit with our feet touching.  He uses his feet to rub my feet.  I may be sitting on the couch doing homework and he is doing his work on the computer but our feet are snuggled.  As silly as this may seem this is a comforting and connecting gesture for me.

Some days we are just a little out of sync.  One or both of us may be extra tired or over stressed.  On these days I like to think of the saying we have hanging over our bed on the wall.  It says, "Always kiss me good-night"  On those rough days I just need a kiss and a good nights sleep and then we can try again tomorrow.

Cherishing your spouse

How much do I love this guy???

About this much...

This week I have reflected a great deal on my marriage.  I married Dave almost sixteen years ago. We met in a singles ward here in Las Vegas.  We were both dating other people at the time.  Both of our significant others lived in Salt Lake City.  I didn’t care for Dave too much when I first met him.  We would play basketball on Monday nights after our Family Home Evenings.  I felt that he was too intense and bossy.  He was studying for the bar and his relationship in Salt Lake was falling apart so he took his frustrations out on the basketball court and that was my first impression of him.  He knew that he wanted to date me right from the start even when he was dating the other girl.  In time as we got to know each other more as friends I began to recognize his good qualities.  I still didn’t want to date him and tried to pair him off with my friends but he wasn’t interested in them.  He asked me out on a few dates and I was trying really hard not to like him.  I still remember the day when all my walls came tumbling down.  To make a long story short we were at the Bellagio and he picked a flower from one of their exotic flower arrangements.  He handed it to me and said, “Here, I picked you a flower.”  I completely melted.  He saw it in my countenance and knew he had me.

We were married a few months later in the Salt Lake Temple.  We were very fortunate to have Elder Holland as our sealer.  Elder Holland spoke to my husband about the importance of him understanding what it means to sacrifice and he spoke to me about unconditional love.  It was an amazing day.  I think for most people their wedding day is all foggy but for me it is clear and beautiful.  I remember and try to apply messages from our sealing ceremony all the time.  When I go to the temple I am always reminded of something I learned that day. 

Our marriage has not been trouble free but it has been so much easier than I expected.  We are very best friends and we grow more fond of each other every day.  We have had challenges with children.  It started about a year into our marriage when after two miscarriages we realized that having children would not be easy.  We spent the next three years in fertility treatments.  During this time we fasted and prayed together and attended the temple every single week.  We were strengthened greatly by this.  Finally we were blessed with a beautiful baby boy.  I remember the first time I saw my baby handed to my husband.  I never knew I could love anyone so much.  When we experienced more fertility issues I believe our experiences with our first trial of infertility continued to strengthen us and after in-vitro fertilization we were blessed with twin girls.  During this time we learned that our son had autism.  This can be a dividing factor in many marriages but my husband is supportive and incredibly patient with my son and often we talk about how without him our lives would be nearly perfect but totally empty.  Our son forces us to rely on the Savior and to be in sync with one another.  Our son makes our entire family more centered on Jesus Christ. 

               What makes our marriage strong?  I believe it is because our number one goal is to be more like our Savior Jesus Christ.  As we work towards this goal and focus on Him we are naturally drawn closer to each other.   We are very best friends and we always try to put each other’s needs before our own.  We also don't keep score.  We trust that the other person is doing all that they can to serve our family.  In H. Wallace Goddard's book titled, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage he states, "So it turns out that our sacrifices are not sacrifices, but purchases.  We “sacrifice” our puny preferences and God rewards us with eternal joy. What a bargain!  In Heaven’s economy, so much is gotten for so little.”  If we view the "sacrifices" in marriage as opportunities for to serve then they won't seem like sacrifices at all.  It takes two people to make a great marriage and I am super thankful that I get to make my marriage work with Dave.  He is the best person for me.

Behaviors in marriage

I was deeply touched by this video that I watched this week. In this first clip you will hear Elder Wirthlin tell a story about an elderly man painting his wife's nails.  I found this to be so tender and even though I know my husband would never paint my nails now I hope that one day when I am old and feeble he will polish my nails.

I just love Elder Wirthlin.  What a sweet and tender testimony of love he shared in this talk.  My favorite line was when he said, "Do you love the Lord? then spend some time with Him."  The imagery of this has left an impression on me.  I do love the Lord but I don't spend enough time with him.  I feel like the same can be true for my husband and children.  I love them and I spend most of my time with them but I fear that too often it is in body only and I am not fully engaged.  I need to spend more quality time with them.

I could not get over the tenderness Elder Nelson showed in supporting Elder Wirthlin through the end of his talk.  How appropriate that while he was speaking about love an Apostle of the Lord showed us what that truly means.  Our general authorities are great examples of what it means to serve and love unconditionally.

I am once again reminded of how blessed I am in my own marriage.  I don't know why some people end up in bad marriages.  I have had friends who marry someone only to find out that they are not at all the person they thought they were.  My situation could not be further from that.  I knew I was marrying well but as time goes on and as we approach our sixteenth wedding anniversary I am more and more grateful for my husband.  He is all that is good.  The way he balances work family and church is amazing to me.  While I was reading about the things that cause problems in marriages I was able to also see how my husband combats them.  In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman tells us that he believes that the secret to a successful marriage is that a husband and wife are genuinely great friends.  This to me was very exciting because my husband is my favorite person on the planet.  My husband works across town and has a healthy commute.  He is also our Bishop so between the two we don't see much of each other during the week.  I love Friday nights when I know that we get to hang out together for the weekend.  I am confident that my marriage will succeed because my husband is my very best friend.  He is the master at diffusing the four horsemen that I seem to want to invite into our relationship.  I love him for this and this week I have felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude to my Heavenly Father for allowing me to spend Eternity with him.

Covenant Marriage

               

This week I read an article by Bruce C. Hafen that can be found here. https://app.box.com/embed/preview/09y4qxqfppbe8oz5uuje39utsdv566rt?theme=dark  This talk was very timely for me and I loved so much of what Brother Hafen had to say.  Elder Hafen talks about how to have a covenant marriage.  It seems like so many young couples today fall in love with the idea of a wedding but not so much the idea of a marriage. 

Elder Hafen tells us, “Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will.”  My husband and I were fortunate enough to be married by Elder Holland.  He sat us down in the hallway outside the sealing room and looked us straight into our eyes and asked if we were sure we knew what we were doing.  He explained that this was not something we could change our mind about when the going gets tough.  I got a little nervous but took one look at my husband and I knew I was in the right place at the right time with the right guy.  When I told Elder Holland that I was sure he smiled at us and said, “Great…lets go get married.”  I think there are so many people who get sealed in the temple and then when they realize that it’s not a fairy tale they want to bail out.  Elder Holland made sure we understood that was not an option.  Marriage requires a lot of faith but it brings the greatest rewards. 

Elder Hafen talks about three wolves that will attack our marriages.  Natural adversity, their own imperfections and excessive individualism.  I feel like my marriage is mostly attacked by natural adversity.  My relationship with my husband has been very easy.  Our challenges have come from infertility and challenges with our autistic son.  I feel very blessed to say that I have a covenant marriage.  I am not sure that our marriage could handle the challenges of raising an autistic son if we did not have a marriage centered on our Savior Jesus Christ.  We try very hard to have a Christ Centered home.  As we strengthen our own testimonies and focus on our own spiritual growth we our marriage grows stronger and we are able to provide a safe and stable environment for our children.  

How do you develop and maintain a covenant marriage?  I think you can prepare all of your life for a covenant marriage.  We go to the temple together often.  We go on dates.  My husband tells me often how much he loves me and how blessed he believes our children are to have me for a mom.  This kind of reassurance does wonders for a relationship.  We fulfill our callings.  We have family scripture study and prayer nearly every day.  When Elder Holland married us he asked me what unconditional love was.  He told me that was my role as a wife and mother was to have unconditional love.  He then asked my husband what sacrifice meant.  He told him that his role was to sacrifice.  We have a sign on our bedroom wall that says, “Always kiss me good night” I think it is so important to show affection.  It doesn’t matter what else is going on I greet my husband with a hug and a kiss when he walks through the door. 

A covenant marriage is something so worth fighting for.  Like a testimony it requires constant attention.  If you neglect it before you realize what has happened it will be gone.  Through love and sacrifice and focusing on our Savior we can have a covenant marriage.   

Same Sex Marriage

https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng

              I think everything we need to know about marriage and family can be found in the above proclamation. It is beautiful and powerful and a revelation from God.

How do I feel about same sex marriage?  For a long time I wasn’t sure.  I knew that same sex marriage and relationships are morally wrong but why shouldn’t we allow same sex couples to have legal rights just like traditional couples who love each other?  I have learned a lot about why same sex marriage should not be legal.  

            I think the biggest concern for me is the loss of religious freedom.  It is upsetting to me to see that because a group of people are being given the right to marry others are being asked to compromise their own moral convictions because of threats to their jobs and businesses.  My husband was called to be our Bishop about a year ago.  When the gay marriage act was passed over the summer I became very concerned about what that could mean for my husband.  We live in a fairly liberal city and there are plenty of people who are gay.  I worried that if my husband refused to marry a same sex couple what that could mean for him and for our family.  I know that he could surrender his license to perform a marriage but I would hate for him to be in that position.  To me it isn’t fair at all. 

            It made me sad to read the reports of Catholic charities having to shut down their adoption businesses because they were being threatened by the gay community.  Catholic charities does so much good for the community and now it is put at risk.  At what point will the gay community realize the damage that is being done?

            I am also very concerned about the effect that gay marriage will have on our future society.  Without stable home life provided by a mom and a dad children lose a sense of identity and look for it in gangs and violence.  This is scary and sad to me.  It isn’t fair to the future generation.

            Is there a way to make both sides happy?  I don’t know.  It does seem to me that since gay marriage has been legalized there needs to be laws passed to protect those who oppose it.  It is just a cycle of laws and new laws and it seems like a big mess.

            I know that same sex marriage will always be an issue.  I think for me the most important thing is that I am tolerant without compromising my standards.  My cousin married his partner in New York City a year ago.  He knows that I don’t agree with his choice but he also knows that I care for him and want him to be happy.  A few months ago a gay couple moved in around the corner from us.  They met my next door neighbor and expressed concern to her about the Mormon family (us).  They were worried that we would oppose them and even mentioned that they were afraid we would protest and try to have them move.  My neighbor assured them that they had the wrong idea about Mormons.  When I told my husband about this he took a fresh loaf of bread that I had just baked and went to Kent and Rob’s house.  He didn’t say anything about our religion or how we felt about them being a couple.  He gave them the bread and welcomed them to the neighborhood and then asked for a tour of their house.  (They had done some extensive remodeling).  A few days later our family was on a walk.  Kent and Rob were driving by and they stopped their car and got out to meet me and my children.  We learned that Kent is from Vermont where I served my mission.  I told him all about it.  I am happy to say that now Kent and Rob are my friends.  Do we agree?  Not at all.  Does that matter?  Not at all.  

Divorce

                                       

    I am so grateful that my life has not been directly affected by divorce.  My parents have been happily married for 49 years.  I grew up in a very safe and loving environment.  I am now married to a great man who is a wonderful husband and a great Dad.  We have three children and we are very happy. 

            One of my best friends is going through a very difficult divorce.  She and her husband were very happily married for almost twenty years.  Her husband was in an accident several years ago and he became addicted to pain killers.  It has been awful to watch his actions slowly destroy their family.  Their oldest son just left for a mission and seems to be doing well but the other three are sad and hurting.  Although divorce is unavoidable at times it is so difficult for the children.  Children are the ones who truly suffer when parents choose to divorce.  I think it is important to put the needs of the children first. Unless there is serious damage done to a person’s mental state then they should do everything they can to work out the relationship. 

            Some of the best marriage advice I was given came from my stake president.  When my husband and I went to meet with him before we got married he counseled us to always pray together and hold hands.  He said that no couple had ever done this and still wanted to divorce.  It is very difficult to argue when you are holding hands.  I think also attending the temple can greatly strengthen your marriage. 

            I feel very secure in my own marriage.  My husband and I love each other and are very best friends.  We are raising a child with autism and I think this can either make or break a couple.  For us it has made us.  Our son has strengthened our marriage in many ways.  Most of all we have to communicate.  If our communication breaks down then so does our son.

            My biggest want is for my children to always be happy.  I hope and pray that my children will find loyal and kind spouses.  I loved the talk from Elder Oaks titled, Divorce.  He gives great counsel to those who have been divorced and to those who are going through a divorce but my favorite advice was given to those who are not yet married when he said, “The best way to avoid divorce from an unfaithful, abusive, or unsupportive spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person. If you wish to marry well, inquire well.”  I also know that I need to raise my children to be the kind of person that I want them to marry one day.  I need to teach them to be committed and to serve and sacrifice.